Do I want it and why?

Have you ever been faced with a change and wonder to your self it it is safe to wish for a specific ending?  I am in that realm at the moment.  Do I want to do something different?  Do I have a choice?  What if I have an opportunity and don't take it?  What is next?  Where will I be in six months? 
My sister will soon be getting out of jail and there will be new changes in my life in that aspect.  I hope I can handle all that will be happening.  I am sure my patience will be tried more than any other time in my  life. 
I am a little scared right now and don't feel extremely stable.  I don't want to wish that a certain thing will happen for fear of being let down.  I feel like I am holding my breath right now.  I know I just have to hang on and it will all work out....it always has!

Close to the end of the week....

Thursday and Gary said I hadn't posted in a while.  I don't guess I had to much to say over and above my paranoia about the Foster Parent Specialist coming to our house.  I was trying to explain this fear to Darla and I know that it stems from when I was growing up.  We were on Welfare my whole life and I remember the caseworker coming to my house.  I don't think my mom told me we could be taken if everything didn't check out on these visits.  It was just something I believed.  Now if someone like that comes I run down the same fears.  I am working through it though.  See - I am still here and alive.  I still have my kids and the two little ones.  Everything is O K.  Affirmation complete.  Sometimes we just have to do a little self talk! 
I also am feeling guilty about the hoarding - but I am getting better with that too!  (Gosh Darn it)
Putting your feelings out in the open for God and everyone to see is helpful.  If I had to come out of the closet for anything this would sure do it!  I do hold back on some stuff that my mom or family would see and may be hurtful.  Once it is out there it is out there for good. 
I start my first class on my bachelors next Tues.  I am a little scared because it has been a long time.  I want to zip through this and be at the end already!  I am not a good waiter!
My step-dad had a scare yesterday and thought he was having a heart attack.  He is visiting the doctors today so hopefully we know soon what is going on with him.  It could have been gallbladder.  I think it is stupid that they can't order an ultrasound at the ER without your primary doctors consent.  What the hell is the use?  It seems like a tactic to make sure each doctor gets a piece of the money pie to me.  But who am I?  Nuff said!

Countdown.....

I talked to the lady yesterday that will be coming to visit us in a couple weeks.  She will be here on the 25th.  I have to get moving and hopefully the boys will be willing to help me.  I still need them to move all the stuff off the deck into the garage.  I have a lot of clothes to go through.
Riley has plans to spend the night with a friend tonight so he won't be available.
Don't crowd the mushrooms or they won't brown....

On a lighter note....

Man, that last post drug me down....so much that I cried again when I read it later.  So sorry!
So it is a beautiful day in Southern Indiana.  I plan on going home after I get off and grilling hamburgers for supper.  One of my favorite things to do when it is warm is to be at the grill.  The kids are able to play on the deck and get some fresh air. 
I went to St. Vincents today- used clothing and thrift stores being my largest vice; and only bought a basket to further my organization process.  I am going to Wal-mart to get the obligatory "stuff" later (thank you Hunny) and want to find a pantry cabinet for the boxed goods.  I need to do research for how to get rid of weevils and mice.  Did I mention I hate mice.....
I would like to get a lot of the stuff taken to the garage that we couldn't move last weekend because of the rain- maybe it won't rain tomorrow?
I know I am bad - I took my dad the outdated boxed food because I knew he wouldn't care.  He will eat anything and needs anything he can get right now.  He looks like a skeleton.  It is tough to see your father that is supposed to be a role model be the way he is.  He said I might have to call my (Mennonite) aunt to bail him out of jail later.....I never knew him and I never will.

Missin my little brother...

I found a photo album in my bathroom on the floor this morning.  I don't know where it came from or how it got there but I am sure the culprit is 2 and named Hayden.  I flipped through pictures that I think belong to my brother Danny best as I can see.  They are probably left over from when I cleaned out some of his stuff when he was put in jail and my house was a disaster... not a good memory. There were pictures of my nephew Jordan around 3 and all of Annette's older kids when they were little.  There was a picture of me and Fred when I was pregnant with Doug with really big orange hair.  The one that stopped me was of my brother Chadd and his girl friend Connie.  He, as usual, was shirtless.  I think it was at a cookout in my sister's back yard.  He had his big smile on his face.  I hate that gut wrenching pain I feel every time I see him in a picture...the pain behind my eyes and the gull in my throat.  I miss him more than I ever thought possible.  There were memories only he and I shared that now I have no one to remember with.
When we were little we fought a lot.  I was always bigger and when we fought I usually got the best of him.  Dad reminded me once in an argument that we fought a lot and said if I hadn't maybe he would have felt more loved and not killed himself....nice thing to say huh?
Normal petty sibling rivalry- nothing too bad.  Before he passed he actually called me occasionally just to talk.  My Mom is mad at my sister and niece right now for something I don't agree with and won't attend family functions.  Once they are gone you can't take it back.  No more "I'm sorry" or "I wish I had said".  I try hard not to hold grudges because I know it only hurts me....eating dirt is a lot easier than squelching the guilt afterward.

Patience with a two year old....

I 'll be bleeped if lil H didn't take a full box of Bisquick and dump it all over the breakfast nook today.  He even took hands full and threw them at the blinds.  I had it everywhere; even the carpet in the adjoining room.  Sucked to clean up but I did it....not with a smile mind you....
Ok- and really~! Refridgerated food for dogs?  Hows much do you think this stuff costs?  Someone is off their rocker.  It looks like a roll of Brawtwarst with peas and carrots...I'm just saying.  You can tell we have no pets...they would last long in my house with 5 kids. 
My best friend was here from Nashville.  We had a excellent visit to Bobe's and did a lot of Gabbin'.  We talked until two.  I am really getting old....
Didn't get much done today but cleaning up messes and making supper on the grill.  Tomorrow will be better, I am promising myself.  Got 4 loads of laundry to wash and three more to fold so I gotta see about some of it...and Jeff Neal- I have amish relation but you can't steal my soul with your blackberry in Wal-mart...I am impervious like one of your superheros!

One more area down....

I continued cleaning again tonight.  Got the breakfast nook cleaned and disinfected.  floor in the kitchen mostly swept and moped.  Looks so much better!  I need to declutter alot around the island but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 
I need to clean out the pantry and reorganize.  I also have the appliance storage area to do.  I wish I had more cabinets.
Can you ever have enough cabinets?
I did get my craft area reorganized the other day.  The boys took over another load to the garage and I probably could take over four more wheel barrels full.  So I hope to have another productive weekend.  Since it will probably rain I might be able to get a lot done.  The spare bedroom will be next before I ever think about my bedroom.  Now you know.  They say that writing it down is the first step.  It is helpful to go back and see what I have said I would do and if I did it- so far so good.
Cute thing Bella said yesterday-my allergies have been bothering me and my eye was red.  I was talking to her about it and she looked at me and said- "Mom, you got crack eye!".  I think she was referring to the bloodshot look and not the drugs....she comes up with some wild stuff.  Lately she has been covering Haden up and dramatically proclaiming he has "itchy foot eyetis".  She must have seen this on a cartoon or something but I have yet to see it....and the adventure continues.

Sunday- not a day of rest.

Been one heck of a busy day and weekend.  I am finally sitting down and watching "I Survived". There is a 16 yr old girl that was savagely rapped by two men in this episode.  So amazing how some people have something like that happen and come out so strong.  Others are consumed by the tragedy and die even though they stay alive.  Gives life perspective.  I have had my share of happenings in my life.   I hope the way they have defined me has given me strength and not weakness.
Movement on the homefront- got about 2/3 of what I wanted to accomplish done.  Bella now has her own toddler bed and will probably won't be in it long.  She is growing so fast. 
I am thinking of organizing a Glendale yard sale -kinda like the Comeback one they have every year. Wish I had a team like Clean House that would come and do the yard sale part.  I couldn't handle them coming into my house to clean it out- too stressful- but they could help with the yard sale.  I hate pricing stuff. It's my stuff and it is worth something to me but not what people will pay for used leftovers. 
I should sleep well tonight.

Saturday- Yippie?

Thank you Lord Jesus for making me Coffee- nuff said.  Well, the diaper assembly line is done for a little while and the kids are fighting over books.  The plan for the day is to finish cleaning the kitchen nook and the hutch in the "dining room" or Bella's room. I almost have the furnature to the point that I can move it around.  I spent some time with my Mom on Wednesday and a milestone happened- I got the courage to ask if I could give her back the hutch and she said she didn't have a place to put it and I could sell it at my Traderbakers booth.  Talking about shocked!  I didn't argue. I have an issue about getting rid of anything she gives me because in the past she would come back say 3 years after she gave me something and ask if I had used it or where it was.  And my Mom is the queen of kitchen small appliances, constantly giving my sister and I duplicate items that she probably purchased off of QVC or HSN.  Some of them are great but after awhile anyone only has so much room to store them all.  Like pressure cookers.  She has given me 4- one of them an electric one.  Mind you I haven't used one in 4 years and I don't can.  So far I have identified two to get rid of and sold the electric one in the booth for far too little but it is gone.
 I also need to rearrange my cutting area.  Stuff is really stacked in the living room around my end of the couch and is scarry at times.  The "Gistapo" are coming and would frown on this.  More on that later.  I will take picture of before and after.  Gotta record the history of of it all.

Why and what is the reason for this insanity....???

I was thinking as I was making coffee this morning what the reason was for doing this blog... I think it is just to get out thoughts. I don't know that I really have a need for others to see what I am thinking but I don't have a paranoia for it either. God knows I have paranoia for other things like rats and people seeing my mess at my house. I am trying the desensitizing strategy of one - and it's not the rats. I over-analysed and think my fear of visitors is inherited from my mother. Have you realized that you become your parents no matter how hard you try not to? I slowly look more like my mother each day- in my opinion. My children have noted that we don't go anywhere and do anything....Is that a bad thing? It has always been comfortable to me. I do work everday so it itsn't like I am a hermit like my mother. I deal well with the public often and have social skills (I think). Where is the critical balance? Am I traumitizing my children for life because we don't "visit"? I guess time will tell....I don't know if that is something I want to change about myself. I do know that I want to change my hoarding tendancies. Yes, Hello, my name is Samantha and I am a hoarder. I have said it before and will chant that mantra until the day I die- not with pride but for self improvement. I have an addictive personality - also inherited.... first addiction is food as was evident with my huge body of 5 years ago (anniversary of my surgury is next month) and now it seems I trade obsessions. But just so it is known... I am working on me. I am seriously considering getting my BA in Business Admin. or Management. I am looking at Western Governors U- online program. More to come on that later. Some my think that confirms my insanity- working full time with five kids to take care of but I think I could do it in a year and half. Onward and it's Wednesday and I love the sunshine.

And what day is it?

I guess it is Tuesday and a beautiful one at that. I have begun cleaning out my house recently and am trying very hard to rid myself of stuff I have accumulated over the years of my life. Maybe writting about it will help-- I am trying to look at thing with the idea of how does it make me feel to see it piled up? Not - will I need this at sometime in the future. Because, the reality is that if I needed it in the future, chances are that I couldn't find it anyway. Wish me well. Yesterday I went through my wall-o-yarn and got 2 boxes to give away, three boxes to sell in my flea market booth, and three boxes to sell in the yardsale. I will succeed. Hardest is the things I really need to keep for my tiles. I need storage and it is there behind the junk too....just have to dig out the closet.