Missin my little brother...

I found a photo album in my bathroom on the floor this morning.  I don't know where it came from or how it got there but I am sure the culprit is 2 and named Hayden.  I flipped through pictures that I think belong to my brother Danny best as I can see.  They are probably left over from when I cleaned out some of his stuff when he was put in jail and my house was a disaster... not a good memory. There were pictures of my nephew Jordan around 3 and all of Annette's older kids when they were little.  There was a picture of me and Fred when I was pregnant with Doug with really big orange hair.  The one that stopped me was of my brother Chadd and his girl friend Connie.  He, as usual, was shirtless.  I think it was at a cookout in my sister's back yard.  He had his big smile on his face.  I hate that gut wrenching pain I feel every time I see him in a picture...the pain behind my eyes and the gull in my throat.  I miss him more than I ever thought possible.  There were memories only he and I shared that now I have no one to remember with.
When we were little we fought a lot.  I was always bigger and when we fought I usually got the best of him.  Dad reminded me once in an argument that we fought a lot and said if I hadn't maybe he would have felt more loved and not killed himself....nice thing to say huh?
Normal petty sibling rivalry- nothing too bad.  Before he passed he actually called me occasionally just to talk.  My Mom is mad at my sister and niece right now for something I don't agree with and won't attend family functions.  Once they are gone you can't take it back.  No more "I'm sorry" or "I wish I had said".  I try hard not to hold grudges because I know it only hurts me....eating dirt is a lot easier than squelching the guilt afterward.